


Revelations

by agent_florida



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-03
Updated: 2010-04-03
Packaged: 2017-11-23 17:13:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/624594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agent_florida/pseuds/agent_florida
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sand Trap is ridiculously boring, and so Grif and Tucker end up inadvertently playing a game of I Can Top That to keep each other from snapping and going crazy. Unfortunately, this leads to some embarrassing revelations…</p>
            </blockquote>





	Revelations

GRIF: So fucking bored, man.   
TUCKER: Don’t look at me. Sarge gave you something to do.   
GRIF: Yeah, like I want to drag all these dead bodies out of here. Ugh, they smell.   
TUCKER: Not as bad as your mom did!   
GRIF: Tucker, what did I say about talking about my family like that?   
TUCKER: That it was awesome and I needed to keep doing it?   
GRIF: Yeah, only what I said was ‘don’t.’   
TUCKER: Fine. I’ll just shut up and leave you to do your little chore by yourself.   
GRIF: Could you at least help me pass the time? I mean, it’s not like we have anything else to do out here.   
TUCKER: Look, I’m just as bored as you are, but I don’t think we need to actually talk to one another. We’ve hated each other pretty nicely for eight years and I’m not about to start liking you now or anything.   
GRIF: You keep saying that.   
TUCKER: What, that we hate each other? ‘Cause we do. I mean, it’s not like I like you or anything. Why?   
GRIF: … Nothing.   
TUCKER: Fine. I’ll stay here, and we can talk or something. But I am not touching an alien body ever again.   
GRIF: What, you mean after having their assbaby?   
TUCKER: I told you, it’s not my kid. Had to raise it, but not mine.   
GRIF: Sure. And I’m pretty sure that’s not even the worst thing you’ve ever done.   
TUCKER: Well, you try and find something to top that, then.   
GRIF: You fucked my sister.   
TUCKER: Wait, are we trying to out-awesome one another? ‘Cause that’s not one of the worst things I’ve ever done. Bow chicka bow wow!   
GRIF: Oh, would you shut up!   
TUCKER: Seriously, I’m sure you’ve done something worse than I have.   
GRIF: … I stole a candy bar once from the grocery store where I worked.   
TUCKER: Not good enough, man.   
GRIF: … I once had to wear tights for a production of Robin Hood in high school.   
TUCKER: Dude, is that all you have on me?   
GRIF: … I once broke both my arms. While playing a video game.   
TUCKER: Come on. Seriously?   
GRIF: … I once open-mouth kissed a horse.   
TUCKER: You stole that line from a movie.   
GRIF: … One time, I got the shit kicked out of me and I lost three teeth. The people beating me up? Were chicks in bondage gear.   
TUCKER: I’ve filmed stuff worse than that.   
GRIF: Like what?   
TUCKER: Necrophiliac porn. I’d rather not talk about it.   
GRIF: Okay, okay, okay. I’ve got one that you can’t possibly top, even with your assbaby and your necro. My first girlfriend? Had a dick.   
TUCKER: Your first girlfriend?   
GRIF: Yup.   
TUCKER: Had a dick.   
GRIF: Yeah.   
TUCKER: And you never noticed it.   
GRIF: Yeah. Pretty much forgot about it until just now.   
TUCKER: You forgot that your first girlfriend had a dick.   
GRIF: Well, it’s not one of those things I’d really like to remember. I probably blocked it out. Would you stop laughing? It really isn’t that funny.   
TUCKER: … Was it Simmons?   
GRIF: Was who what?   
TUCKER: The girlfriend. Was it Simmons?   
GRIF: _Why would it be Simmons?_   
TUCKER: Don’t look at me like that, man, you two always bicker like an old married couple. It would explain a lot.   
GRIF: It would explain nothing, is what it would explain.   
TUCKER: Whatever. I’m just going to imagine it was Simmons from now on.   
GRIF: _It wasn’t Simmons!_   
TUCKER: You just keep saying that. How in the hell do you not notice that your girlfriend has a dick?   
GRIF: It was dark, and she said she really liked anal.   
TUCKER: What? You’re mumbling.   
GRIF: _She said she really liked anal!_   
SARGE: Grif! What in the seven layers of nachos is going on down here?   
GRIF: Uh… nothing, Sarge. Tucker here was just leaving.   
TUCKER: Jeez, fine, I’ll get out of here. I know when I’m not needed.


End file.
